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Today's Thoughts

 It's been a few days since The Realization.  I'm still a bit down.  I was raised in the foster care system and moved around a lot, so I never really made friends in school. Family betrayed me so I don't have any family. No children.  Just me and my husband of 31 years.  Some ladies I thought were my BFF's, but they never contact me to plan an outing.  If I want to see them I have to reach out to them. Some days I just feel so lonely.  I honestly believe that if I died tonight, no one would care.  It would be a huge inconvenience to my husband to have to deal with final arrangements and get rid of my stuff.  Some things I have are pretty valuable, but I think he would just box it all up and give it to goodwill or throw it away. I've decided to start going out and doing things I want to do on my own.  Our house is pretty much a roommate situation with the exception that we sleep in the same bed.  He won't touch me at all anymore....
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The Realization

 Yesterday I had this sense that my husband was aggravated with me for some reason.  I was getting ready to vacuum when he came in.  He froze and then turned around like he was going to walk back out the door.  I told him he didn't need to leave and that I was just going to vacuum.  He put something down on the counter and I asked him " Did I do something wrong?"  He blew up and started screaming at me asking if I was trying to start a fight.  I apologized and said I just thought something was wrong and I'm sorry I mis-interpreted his mood.  He shouted Don't try to Interpret me.  He went on telling me I was trying to start a fight and I always do this and all he did was try to avoid getting in my way.  I felt so small and frightened.   I was in a state of shock.  I can't believe he just started screaming at me like that. After I finished vacuuming I went to sit in the livingroom where he was sitting and he got up and ...
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What do I do to fix my marriage?

 My husband and I have been married for 31 years, together 36 years. I am madly in love with him still.  But lately things have been uncomfortable.  I really don't think he likes me anymore.  The last couple of weeks he cringes when I touch him.  I was in a bad car accident on Monday and when he came to pick me up I hugged him and he flinched away from me.  If I touch him in any way he gives me a dirty look.  I don't know how to fix this.  I don't know if it can be fixed. Several years ago he accused me of cheating on him.  Let me be clear...I have Never Ever cheated on him.  He told me someone else told him that I cheated.  He states that person showed him proof.  He has never shown me what this person showed him.  But he believes this person over me.  His past relationships, all the women cheated on him.  So therefore...I must have cheated on him.  I haven't.  But he is convinced I have.  We have...
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