Today's Thoughts

 It's been a few days since The Realization.  I'm still a bit down.  I was raised in the foster care system and moved around a lot, so I never really made friends in school. Family betrayed me so I don't have any family. No children.  Just me and my husband of 31 years.  Some ladies I thought were my BFF's, but they never contact me to plan an outing.  If I want to see them I have to reach out to them. Some days I just feel so lonely. 

I honestly believe that if I died tonight, no one would care.  It would be a huge inconvenience to my husband to have to deal with final arrangements and get rid of my stuff.  Some things I have are pretty valuable, but I think he would just box it all up and give it to goodwill or throw it away.

I've decided to start going out and doing things I want to do on my own.  Our house is pretty much a roommate situation with the exception that we sleep in the same bed.  He won't touch me at all anymore.  He ducks away from me when I try to touch him.  I think we are still together out of habit and because it would just be too difficult to go through all the crap we've accumulated over our marriage.  It is what it is and I just have to learn to live with it.