Ruminations of a Wife

 It's been a few days since The Realization.  I'm still a bit down.  I was raised in the foster care system and moved around a lot, so I never really made friends in school. Family betrayed me so I don't have any family. No children.  Just me and my husband of 31 years.  Some ladies I thought were my BFF's, but they never contact me to plan an outing.  If I want to see them I have to reach out to them. Some days I just feel so lonely.  I honestly believe that if I died tonight, no one would care.  It would be a huge inconvenience to my husband to have to deal with final arrangements and get rid of my stuff.  Some things I have are pretty valuable, but I think he would just box it all up and give it to goodwill or throw it away. I've decided to start going out and doing things I want to do on my own.  Our house is pretty much a roommate situation with the exception that we sleep in the same bed.  He won't touch me at all anymore....

 Yesterday I had this sense that my husband was aggravated with me for some reason.  I was getting ready to vacuum when he came in.  He froze and then turned around like he was going to walk back out the door.  I told him he didn't need to leave and that I was just going to vacuum.  He put something down on the counter and I asked him " Did I do something wrong?"  He blew up and started screaming at me asking if I was trying to start a fight.  I apologized and said I just thought something was wrong and I'm sorry I mis-interpreted his mood.  He shouted Don't try to Interpret me.  He went on telling me I was trying to start a fight and I always do this and all he did was try to avoid getting in my way.  I felt so small and frightened.   I was in a state of shock.  I can't believe he just started screaming at me like that. After I finished vacuuming I went to sit in the livingroom where he was sitting and he got up and ...