The Realization

 Yesterday I had this sense that my husband was aggravated with me for some reason.  I was getting ready to vacuum when he came in.  He froze and then turned around like he was going to walk back out the door.  I told him he didn't need to leave and that I was just going to vacuum.  He put something down on the counter and I asked him " Did I do something wrong?"  He blew up and started screaming at me asking if I was trying to start a fight.  I apologized and said I just thought something was wrong and I'm sorry I mis-interpreted his mood.  He shouted Don't try to Interpret me.  He went on telling me I was trying to start a fight and I always do this and all he did was try to avoid getting in my way.  I felt so small and frightened.   I was in a state of shock.  I can't believe he just started screaming at me like that.

After I finished vacuuming I went to sit in the livingroom where he was sitting and he got up and walked into the other room.  I knew I was about to start crying and how much he hates it when I do this, so I got up, grabbed my purse and told him I was going for a drive.  He said ok and I left.

I just drove around randomly for 2 hours and finally went back home.  I tried to talk to him  I asked him if we could talk.  He said I'll listen, but he had nothing to talk about.  I told him I wanted to apologize and that I really wasn't trying to start a fight.  I just had this sense that something was off and the only way I know how to find out is to ask.  I then got a half hour lecture about everything I do wrong and I should not tro to read him or interpret him.  I said so if I have a feeling that something is wrong I should just ignore it?  He said Yes.

So I have realized that this is my life from now on.  No affection.  No talking unless he asks first.  No sex. I just sleep, go to work, come home and sit in my chair.  This is what the rest of my life is going to be. 

I have no friends, no one to talk to, no one who would care if I died right now.  I would just be a huge inconvenience. This is my life.